The Day The Man In Black Tipped His Hat

It was Thursday, October 16, 1997. I did not have to work that day, but I was at my place of employment. I worked as a clerk in a public library. The library had a few computer terminals that its patrons could use to access the internet. Because I was an employee and well liked by the full time staff, I was able to use the computer in the back room, as long as it was available. I didn't have the internet at home so I took advantage of the library computers whenever possible.

I was in my late thirties, but currently single. I was in a recovery program because I was a problem drinker and not supposed to be in a romantic relationship, anyway. My sponsor thought it might be enough of a distraction that I ought to avoid them altogether. In fact, the last time I had mentioned to him that I was lonely, he had told me to get a cat. Maybe he thought he was being witty.

I wasn't paying much attention to his suggestion. I wasn't blatantly ignoring him, but, well you'll see what I mean. I was going to an online support group for people with compulsive relationship problems. I was no stranger to 12-step meetings but I had only ever attended them for alcohol and not for any other addictions. I never went to an AA meeting looking for a drinking buddy, but I went to this group looking for a sex partner. Well......that's not why I went originally and even when I started to develop the relationship, I didn't think that's what I was doing. That is the nature of addictions. They creep up on us.

Here's what happened to me. I saw a post at the group by one of its female members. She seemed a bit down because of some relationship that hadn't panned out. I copied her email address and emailed her an electronic postcard (they were all the rage back then). She emailed me a thank you. Seemed harmless to me.

If only life was so uncomplicated......

How Important Am I?

Father's Day is just around the corner and I'm wondering how important I am to my children. Will I get a face to face visit or will they just shoot me a text on social media? Doing the facebook thing will at least let all their followers know what a great kid they are, but what will it tell me? I think children miss the point a lot. Maintaining regular contact doesn't mean clicking like on photos we post on instagram. It means showing up to be in the photos. If anything, it will save you the trouble of trying to come up with some excuse at my funeral as to why you never spent time with me while I was alive. Know what I mean. Jellybean.

Don't Forget To Hug Your Mom

Mother's Day will soon be here. My mom died 21 years ago. Bone cancer. It was the day after Mother's Day. I was with her on Mother's Day but I wasn't there when she needed me the most. Sometimes life doesn't happen the way we think it should. We just have to keep in our memories the moments worth living.

When I think about it, I don't know a whole lot about who my mother was, apart from being my mother, that is. She suffered a lot of abuse, that much I know. My father wasn't very kind to her. He was an abusive drunk. He failed at a lot of things he tried to do and he took most of his anger and his frustrations out on her, until I was old enough to prevent it.


I remember what my mother said to me when she was dying. She said she was proud of me for trying to do something with my life and for trying to get away from the booze. She said she was glad I didn't turn out like my old man. Well, mom, I was actually a lot like him. I was a drunk, just like him. I failed at a lot of things I tried to do, just like he did. I was angry and frustrated a lot and, like my father, I took my anger out on people in my life. I was never physically abusive to women. I just chose forms of abuse I could live with.


Luckily, I did manage to put the bottle down, almost 20 years ago, and I was able to do something useful with my life. So I guess I didn't fail at everything.


For those of you who still have a mother, don't forget to hug her and tell her that you love her, and don't wait until Mother's Day to do it, because we never know how long they'll be with us.

Being 59

I wondered if being 59 would be any different than being 58. I do feel different. Not in a physical way. It's more of a mental shift. I'm seeing certain things in a different way and I'm thinking about certain things in a better way. My attitude and my outlook has changed. It's hard to describe without giving examples.

I do not like to waste my time and I particularly do not like it when other people waste my time. And yet, I have wasted a lot of my time over the past year or so and I have allowed other people to waste my time. I'm not getting any younger and what time I have left is important to me, so I've decided not to waste any more of it.

I'm not happy at my Mickey Mouse job. I know I require a job to pay my bills and I know that changing jobs is not really going to solve the problem. The problem has to do with the weird hours I work. The job itself is fine. I like most of the people here. Oh there's a few dickheads but you get that wherever you go.

The solution as I see it is to be self employed. To write full time. So that's my plan for that aspect of my life. I started this year by self-publishing three of my books. I'll leave them posted at that site for one year. I'm working on some other stuff and once I get a guaranteed cash flow, I'll be leaving Disney.

I'm beginning to realize what a fairweather friend is. They are the ones who don't mind being your friend as long as it doesn't require any effort on their part. You get a lot of those on Facebook. At the risk of contradicting myself, I realize that Facebook is not real life. I received a lot of birthday greetings last week, but more than half my Facebook contacts never even said hello. They were probably busy with other more important things. It may be partly my fault. I post a lot so maybe they stopped following me. If that's the case then they won't even notice when I say goodbye.

I know there a few other changes I need to make. I need to quit smoking and improve my diet and get more exercise. I'll do all that stuff in my own time without any prodding. I might tell you about it when I do it or I might not.

The biggest change I'll be making is not changing at all. I am what I am said Popeye. If you decide you don't like me, just click the X button